If You Give Your Husband A Backhoe . .

. . .he's going to want to landscape the backyard. First he'll build a retaining wall.

While he's building the wall, he'll uncover the electrical conduit that goes to the site of his future workshop, and he'll have to dig a deeper trench to bury it below the wall.

When he starts digging the trench, he'll realize he wants to have water in his workshop too, so he'll dig another trench back to the house, to lay the pipes.

Once he reaches the house, he'll need to drill a hole through the foundation to put the pipe through.

When the hole is drilled and the pipe is through, he'll need to frame out the wall to cover up the pipe

After he frames out the wall, it'll need to be drywalled and mudded.

The new wall will look so nice that he'll want to re-do all the other walls and the ceiling in the basement, too.

But before he can finish the ceiling, he needs to finish re-wiring the basement.

Re-wiring the basement will end up being the final straw that causes his wife to lose what remains of her patience and decide they should just tear down the house and start from scratch.

And chances are, if you let her tear down the house. . .she's going to need a backhoe to do it.

Q & A (& Q & A & Q & A. . .)

Sometimes I feel woefully underqualified to be the parent of a preschooler. You'd think a degree in early childhood education would be plenty. It's not:

Conversation 1
Elizabeth: Mommy, what do mommy horses do?
Me: They walk around and eat grass and neigh. . .just horse stuff.
E: No, I mean, how do they make baby horses?
Me: Well, the baby horse grows in the mommy's tummy, and then when it's ready to be born it comes out.
E: I know, but where does it come out?

I should've majored in animal husbandry.

Conversation 2
(We're driving home from the store where Elizabeth saw some candy she wanted to buy, and I'm explaining how much it costs.)
Me: You know what a penny is, right? Well, a penny is worth one cent.
Elizabeth: What's a cent?
Me: It's one penny. One penny is the same thing as one cent. A dollar bill is worth 100 pennies, or 100 cents.
E: Well, where do dollar bills come from? Does the bank make them?

No, wait, make that economics. . .

(Conversation 2 continued)
Me: No, honey, the bank doesn't make money. The government does.
E: What's the government?
Me: It's the people who take care of the country. Like the president.
E: What's a president? Does the president make the money?

. . .with a minor in political science.

Conversation 3
Me: Here, put some Purell on your hands before you eat that.
Elizabeth: It kills the germs, huh?
Me: Yes, it does.
E: How does it kill the germs?
Chemistry and microbiology might have helped, too.

I've decided I'm going to start outsourcing my job. Next time you see our number on your Caller ID, you can expect to hear Elizabeth on the line with a question (or ten) for you.